Monday, July 25, 2016
Happy Anniversary, Bee...
It's been a year.
Time flies, huh?
Happy Anniversary, Bee...
It's a memorable date for us.
It's the date that we got together;
It's also the date that we broke up;
And it's also the date that our new friendship begun.
I wish I could tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is.
I will never trade her away for anything in this world. Never!
9 years ago, it all happened on my couch.
9 years ago, it all happened while we were watching Saw.
9 years ago, it all happened when I kissed her.
She has done so much for me;
Too much that i could never repay her.
Almost every important occasion of my life, she was there for me;
When I was sick...
When I won the awards...
I wish i could name each and every one of the occasions.
When I was in need of help, she was always there for me;
Mentally, physically, financially.
I knew I've made so much mistakes in life.
I knew i was wrong.
But she is the reason that I became a better person now.
On exactly 1 year ago, we called it off.
Not because I don't love her anymore, but it was because that this was the best way for us.
In this year, I've learned so much to be a better person.
I've learned to control my temper.
I've learned to care.
I've learned to let go my ego.
I've learned to plan.
I don't know whether we will still get back together or not in the future,
But if it ever happens, i will definitely say yes without hesitation.
I knew i could never meet someone like you anymore in my life.
You're just the best that i could ever ask for.
I love you, Bee...
With all my heart and all my life.
And you're always beautiful for me.
Whether the number is 9th or 1st,
I just wanna say that,
Happy anniversary, my dearest.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Twice in a month
It was my second time going to Singapore in a month.
I wanted to give you an excuse, but I could only think of one reason going there.
- to see her.
She wanted to study for her upcoming exam, and i needed to do my editing.
So, I went.
It was a last minute trip again, and i drove down to JB immediately a day after i flew back from Penang.
From north to south in less than 12 hours.
We went to Coffee Bean to do our works.
For hours we've been sitting in.
Besides her smile, i do love her serious face.
I don't know what did she think, but i had a great time with her.
Even thought just buying seeing her studying.
I just enjoy every single moment being with her.
On the first night, we went to have dinner at this Thai restaurant.
Good Thai food, I must say.
After dinner, we went to walk around Holland V since her stomach wasn't feeling too good.
She brought me to the area where she normally went to study.
While walking, i realized my shoelace was untied.
So i grabbed her hand and suddenly i had this idea to try proposing to her jokingly.
The moment i held her hand and kneel down, out of sudden, my heart was beating so fast.
I was nervous. Really, really nervous, even though it wasn't a real one.
She looked shocked and thought i wanted to faint.
But to be honest, i didnt know why i suddenly got really nervous.
It was just like in the dream. I stuttered.
I tried to think why would I be so nervous.
It was my first time kneeling before a girl, and she is the one i love so much.
I was kinda speechless.
It makes me realized that how much i love her.
We went to grab some icecream and sat on the sidewalks to chit chat.
Stout and Durian icecream. 👍🏼
We talked and i wished the time could just stop there.
We went for drinks before sending her off to the bus station.
Her favourite beer. 🍻
Next day, i woke up so damn early.
So, might as well i just find something to do before meeting her up.
I met up with Danny.
I lied that i had work in JB and SG.
Then, i went to Gastronomia to meet her up.
Had our lunch there and she studied there and I did my work.
This is the usual place she studies.
She is just so cute... I dont know about you, but she is the cutest girl I've ever met.
I wish i could see her everyday.
Some girls are just acting cute.
But for her, she is this way since i knew her.
I know most people don't like her, but if you understand her,
She is just too good to be true.
We went to the mamak she mentioned.
It was raining cats and dogs.
We had to share her tiny umbrella.
Most of the time i has just shading her.
Half of my body was actually wet.
She told me she hasn't been having Mamak for so long.
She missed it.
Actually that was the reason I chose Mamak instead of Chinese cuisine.
She sent me to Kranji to take a bus back to JB.
She kept teasing me that i got emo.
Yeah, i did get emo whenever I'm about to leave her.
I missed her.
There's a part of me that love her so much and want to be with her for the rest of my life.
But another part of me wants to see her happy.
After i went back, she got a bit weird.
Well, i didnt want to think so much, but it bothers me so much.
She seemed quiet.
I guess it's because of her exam soon.
I think i should cut down on talking to her, even though i miss her.
TY found out that i went SG to meet her.
He saw the SGD in my wallet.
How stupid am I?!
I really hope she could do well in her exam this round.
It's important for her.
And i think she should do something for herself, and love herself more.
Til then, toodaloo...
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Happy 10th anniversary to you?
It's their 10th anniversary today.
I'm happy for her, but i don't know why at the same time i feel miserable.
I'm not sure whether I should be happy for her, or sad for her.
And I don't even know if she is happy or sad for her own relationship.
He promised me to treat my princess well and will not do things that hurt her.
He broke that fucking promise!
It's just something that makes me really angry.
I wish i could take her away from him.
He doesn't deserve her!
I wish i could tell her, but I can't.
I do not want to be the reason to their breakup.
And i definitely don't want to be the catalyst of the breakup as well.
I know he has been finding ways and excuses to do so.
And I know my existence makes it even easier.
Thats why no one can know we are still keeping in touch.
I know too much, seriously.
The more I know, the angrier i get.
But i have to show my poker face to every single one that I see when they told me about her or him.
I wish i could tell her everything, but i really cant.
There are things that i just cant say.
I might ruin the relationship.
But then again, if it has already broken and torn, what's the point of keeping it?
It's her choice anyway.
There were many times i almost slipped and told her.
I just couldn't!
Perhaps one day when you're no longer with him.
Perhaps that time it doesn't really matter anymore.
I just don't hope they get married.
She can get married, but definitely it wont be good with him.
That motherfucker is just pissing me off.
Oh gosh if i ever bump into him with another girl again enjoying wine and shits,
I'm so gonna shove my fist up his ass.
In my life, I've never loved and cared anyone like how much i do to her.
I just don't want to see her getting hurt, especially by him!
I wish i could tell you,
But i really cant.
Perhaps one day...
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
我去新加坡的原因只有一個 — 想見她。
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
不知不覺，就這樣開始了人生的另外一個階段 -- 談戀愛。
又踏入了人生另一個階段 -- 崩潰。
也就是踏入人生另外一個階段 -- 找錢。
幾年後，又踏入了人生另一個階段 -- 奮鬥。
到了我二十七歲，我又踏入另一個階段 -- 想成家立室。
Monday, March 28, 2016
She flew again.
She's been back for 2 months.
I miss her here.
She flew off to Bangalore yesterday night.
I rushed back from Ipoh to send her off to the airport.
She's always beautiful to me.
I don't know why.
I had great times with her for these 2 months but time just passes to quickly.
She had to leave again.
Many things happened in these 2 months.
I'd say we got closer.
We talk and share more things now.
It's definitely an improvement for us.
Last time was shittier... Much shittier.
Bubble has been sick.
And she had to leave.
I know she worried about Bubble so much.
But i had to act normal just to not let her sad.
Omg I'm really sleepy now.
I will sleep halfway while typing this.
I'm just gonna continue tomorrow
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Happy Birthday to you...
Every year, i've never failed to wish her secretly...
24th March, is her birthday.
Happy birthday to you, See Leng...
Monday, March 21, 2016
A post dedicated to See Leng
Spent a few days with her while she was back in KL.
It's been a while since the last time I met her.
I don't know why whenever we meet, we have soooo much to talk about.
We exchanged birthday presents.
She bought me this.
At least it costs about 110sdg.
She said she didn't even buy this for the bf.
I'm honoured. Haha..
We went Podgy and the Banker for brunch after my meeting with Qdees.
Gotta look good for meeting. No choice.
Then she needed a haircut at Publika so we went there, before leaving to Kota Dsara for Bak Kut Teh since she said she was craving for it.
That was our birthday dinner.
We went for a drink at downstairs of her place.
Never had a good experience there.
The last time I went there, i got so drunk i had to stay over her place.
This time is not any better either.
We got so much to talk, we ended up leaving at 4am.
The next night, we had drinks again there with her sisters.
On Sunday, after meeting with Pei Kee, I met up with her and we went Rekindle for coffee and darts.
Then, i sent her off to airport.
We were at McD and she asked me to take a selfie.
I was completely shocked.
She never asked me that before.
The last time we had a photo together was exactly 10 years ago, while we both looked like shit.
Wtf is this shit? Lol...
I do admit that i was a bit heavy hearted when she left.
So many things happened in the past, and finally we got closed once again.
And she had to leave.
I gave her a rough hug and a knock on her head before letting her walk into the gate.
I miss the time we spent together, and i can feel the same for her too.
She said it's very hard for her to meet me know so she had to see me whenever she got the chance.
I don't know if it means anything else, but i glad to hear that.
She talked about how good was i for her.
She told me I've never said no to her and willing to send her to wherever she wanted to go.
She remembered that when her period came, i always bought her hot chocolate and panadol.
When she got flu, i would boil her Coke with lemon.
I always paid for her food.
She also added how silly was her without realizing how good was I.
She asked will i still treat her the same way like i did.
I will, i answered, not until that extent.
I told her i put PeiKee at first place now. I will give her the best.
Somehow, there was past between See Leng and I.
But I honestly don't know why, I still have the feeling that to take care of her and make her happy.
She is someone special for me... Really special.
Will we ever be together again, you may ask.
I'm afraid not.
We are buddies... Like really close ones.
But there's a barrier between us: her Bf hates me, and i know i love PeiKee so much.
Ambiguous is the word.
She likes me being so good to her; and I like spending time with her.
Nothing more than that.
Maybe i should end this with a sigh.
We didn't make it to the lovers stage, but the memories just don't fade away.
It's been 12 years, and she is still someone really special for me.
I met her when i was barely 13, and I'm 28 now.
That's a freaking 16 years i knew this girl.
Knowing her has changed me a lot.
I was once very bad tempered, and this girl changed me.
I was once a pussywhipped, and this girl changed me.
I was once given her the world, and this girl changed me.
I was once rebellious, and this girl changed me.
I was once neglected my family, and this girl changed me.
I was once a boy, and this girl changed me.
There was a point I thought i had lost her for forever, i met her in SG after a run.
There was another point that i thought i had lost her for forever again before a run in SG, she called me few months back when she got drunk.
She told me how much she treasures me this guy.
I'm glad that she called.
There were many times i was holding up my phone trying to text her, but I didn't have the guts to do it.
She plays a very important in my role.
I thought i would never meet someone i love so much anymore, until I met PeiKee.
There are so many bittersweet memories of ours that lie in my mind.
They will never fade away.
Always and forever.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Take me to church...
Today, i went to church.
Pastor talked about Leviathans and Jezebel spirit.
To be honest, i had no idea what were those things until today.
I wouldn't say that I'm fully understood but at least i have some idea now.
Leviathans are everywhere.
They are the people who pulled you down.
Rebellions, i would say.
And Jezebel spirit, it's not a good thing too.
It attacks each and everyone of us.
The first thing that came to my mind was Pei Kee.
Jezebel is something that will affect your faith and ruin things, especially relationships.
It condemns things.
Would it be part of the reasons we broke up?
Well, i really don't want to think about it.
Today, Aunt Joan came to church too.
It was a coincidence.
She told me about things between Elaine's dad and her after church.
She said she was the one that left.
The father was still wanted to be with her, and asked her out many times.
She refused because she sensed that he was still not letting it go.
She wanted him to let go and get to know each other again.
It struck me seriously.
Am i overdoing it so much?
Is it annoying to her?
I dont know what am i doing.
Maybe Jezebel is hauting me too.
I gotta set Pei Kee free.
I really love her, and that's why i gotta do it.
Lord, i seek for your guidance.
For a hundred times I'm saying this, i love her with all my heart and soul.
I really don't know if we could still be together.
But all i want is for her to be happy, safe, and healthy.
That's how you love someone, i guess.
Since right now, there's so much hatred between us.
Everything i do doesn't seem to be right for her.
Perhaps we shall talk less.
After lunch and Atria today, I didn't text her.
I don't want her to feel being controlled.
I wanna go with the flow.
Qué será será.
That's the reason i got this tattoo, right?
Nothing much i can do besides praying.
Just like what i did every night before sleep.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Saying 'I love you'
What is it so hard to say 'I love you' to someone?
All you need to do is just open your mouth to say it to anyone.
But what's hard is tolerating someone.
It requires action and effort.
In a relationship, it's all about tolerating.
No one is perfect. Everyone's got his flaws.
But most importantly is you can accept and tolerate them.
Why do some relationships last so long?
But it's about love,
When you love someone so badly, you will accept him/her as he/she is.
Despite all the flaws, you will still tolerate him/her.
It's not that you want to, but it's because you love someone.
She doesn't understand.
She always said that I'd only be suffering because i would have to tolerate her.
Did I not know her flaws and bad attitude?
We've been together for 8 years.
Why did sometimes I keep quiet?
Just like how she tolerated me.
She knew that I don't like pork, and in the 7 years, she had never bugged me for Bak Kut Teh before.
It's not that she doesn't like it, it's because she'd rather choose something that i will eat.
I wish i could turn back time to fix everything.
I'd have married her.
She... is just beautiful as she is.
I really wish I could hold her tight and kiss her.
And tell her how much i love her and she means to me.
And I will never let her go.
If one day, i have a girlfriend, how would things be?
And if one day, she has a boyfriend, how would I be?
Somehow, I have this mixed feeling.
Dilemma, i would say.
A part of me really wants to know, and another part just lives in denial.
I honestly don't want to be in a relationship now.
I wanna fix myself before fixing our relationship.
I wanna be a better person.
And i wanna be with her.
I've thought about it for months.
And really, she is the best that I could ever ask for.
And I'm not gonna complain.
That's why i would rather wait for my entire life to be with her than to be with some other girl that could never take her place in my heart.
There'll be another year or two before she finally settles down in here.
I'll make this time counts.
Let me fix myself and it.